What REALLY Matters

I have been in the hospital for a month, so it goes without saying that it is good to be home!

I went into the emergency room sometime in February with uncontrolled pain. It is a terrible part of my disease that healthy bone marrow is being crowded out by cancer cells. In my case, my T7 vertebrae has been almost completely infiltrated with myeloma and it just plain hurts! I have lots of other spots where the bone is being compromised, but this back region has been the most problematic at the moment.

While I was in the hospital, I was able to get access to a clinical trial treatment using “compassionate use” access. I felt fortunate to get the treatment while being well observed and able to receive supportive blood care in the form of platelets and red blood cells. Thank you to all of you who donate blood! I am always grateful when I get blood!

Although we hoped that the pain could be controlled with medicine, that was not the case. In the end, I needed to get radiation to the spine to clear out the cancerous cells. I think that is when I started to really get some relief and able to finally come home.

While I was in the hospital, isolated from all that is “normal” in my cancer world, it was the strange situation this time that ALL of us were and are in isolation in some form or fashion.            

It was only after getting released from the hospital that I really felt like I joined all of you in experiencing the upheaval that this pandemic of Covid-19 is causing. We each face our own circumstances, fears, and anxieties of what this crisis could mean for us and our loved ones. It looks different for each of us, but we are all experiencing something similar too – all together and all at once. There is nothing, in recent historical memory, that I can think of that is like this time.

However, there is so much in this pandemic experience that reminds me of what I wrestle with in living with my disease. It is when things are shaken that what matters most comes to the surface. That’s what I want to share with you today.

Deep Breath….

Living with an uncurable cancer has forced me to confront those BIG questions of life and death, faith and doubt, hope and fear….which given easier life circumstances would likely be delegated to the occasional night of insomnia, glass of wine, or fun intellectual conversation should the mood and company be right. Instead, these questions are NOT fun pursuits of the intellect, but heart wrenching, soul twisting, real-life problems I struggle with on a regular basis. And it comes down to this: What matters, I mean REALLY matters in life? And is God trustworthy in his promises to deliver what I think REALLY MATTERS.

So when things blow up – cancer, job loss, fear of safety, loved ones in danger, not knowing what is next or what is to come…when everything is in upheaval….does God, and faith in God still make sense?

This past summer has been a time of wrestling with God. You see, I desperately want to live! I don’t want my kids and husband to experience the kind of loss my death would have on them. Not to mention my parents and sister and friends. But of them all, it is my boys that break my heart the most. I want to live for them.

So, I search the bible and see Jesus healing everywhere he went! Over and over again, “Go, your faith has made you well”. I read and re-read scriptures on healing. I know and believe the God is able to heal me. He is powerful enough. The question in my mind has not been “can he heal me”, but rather “Will he heal me”. What will be my fate?

In some circles of Christian believers, if I have enough faith, I will be healed. That seems like a heavy burden on the sick which I don’t believe we were intended to carry. Jesus says, “Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” We are always coming to Jesus with “not enough”. We are not enough. We have nothing to offer or save ourselves with, so why would I be expected to muster a miraculous life-saving faith to do the will of God? It doesn’t make sense to me.

Not only that, it seems clear that believers suffer. That suffering is a part of the world – something everyone experiences. Although there may be miracles, the vast majority of Christians will in fact face all of the troubles this world has to offer. Although we are loved, we are not free from the troubles all people face – troubles Jesus himself faced.

So what is the point then? If both believers and non-believers go through the same thing and there are no promises of protection, of health and wealth and comfort – what is the point of faith?

This is what I have come to believe is the MOST important question in life…It is the question of meaning…it asks about the nature of our life and death and whether or not there is meaning or purpose in it. That is where the faith comes in, because the nature of reality I put my faith in is that I have a soul.

It is the soul which gives life and death meaning.

I believe there is a part of each of us that is of eternal worth and value. There is a part of each of us that is the essence of who we are – who God created us to be.  I believe my soul is either healthy or not. It is either alive or not. It is either breathing or is constricted.

We know our bodies will not last. Our souls will. Our souls will be affected by how we live our lives – our choices and our beliefs. It is our souls that we need to pay the most attention to.

Sometimes our worlds get shaken up. Troubles will come. I am so glad that my faith doesn’t ask that I have no feelings about things getting messed up, broken and scary. I don’t have to be perfect and serene (although God’s Spirit can bring peace).

It is in faith that I can cry out to God. I know that I am his and he is mine and I am not alone. It is enough. When it is not enough for me, that’s ok too, he is patient with my weakness. He loves me. And whatever happens around me or in my body, I know my soul – that core piece of me – is well because Jesus made it well with me.