Praise God for Good News!

(….after fear, doubt and, finally…faith in prayer!)

Last week, as I was writing about the Holy Spirit, I was also struggling. And when I say I was struggling, I mean I was struggling in prayer over my very life – was I going to live or die!

As a quick update/overview….I have exhausted my treatment options for Multiple Myeloma. I did not even qualify for clinical trial drugs because my platelets were so low and my bones were not producing blood cells on their own. I was working with my doctor to access these experimental drugs through “compassionate care use”. In some rare cases, and according to specific guidelines, drug companies will sometimes release the treatment early to cases like mine. Praise God, we were given access to this treatment!

In the middle of this process I went into the hospital for bone pain. I got on some intense pain killers for cancer patients, I started the new treatment there, got some radiation, and finally, between it all, got to come home just as the hospitals were being cleared out to make way for covid-19 patients. Again, I thank God for his perfect timing!

Now, 3 treatments in, it was time to see if the drug was working. I would be looking at several blood tests to see. We were waiting to hear the results…it was intense to say the least! As you can see from the title of this post – PRAISE GOD! The drugs are working! The myeloma numbers are coming down!!! We are STILL in the middle of the fight! My bone marrow STILL needs to recover! Prayers are STILL needed! Yet, here I am, full of hope and praise and love for the faithful God who is carrying me through this storm! He is good. He loves me and is with me. Above all, he is a God who answers prayers! Amen! I cannot express the relief, gratitude and hope I now have! Hope in God’s faithfulness.

However, I also want to share the struggle, because I feel like it took wrestling with God, like Jacob to get to this point! In the beginning of this trial, God gave me a verse to hold onto:

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:1-3

There have been SO MANY TIMES I have turned to this verse for comfort. Not just for the promise of passing through the waters and fires of this trial, but for the knowledge that “I am His” That he is with me. And that he is my Savior. There were many times I didn’t feel his presence. I had to ask: How can I “Fear not”? What does it mean that he is my Savior? Does that mean eternally or now? I certainly felt overwhelmed by the trial I was and am facing. Am I going to live or die is about as critical as it can get!

So, I have been wrestling with God for a long time. Wrestling with him about healing…wrestling with him about, and in, prayer…wrestling with him with my fears and doubts and worries for my family. During this period of seeking and wrestling with God, I often felt like this: Alone and scared.

And this is where we find Jacob in scripture. He is about to face his brother who he had betrayed and he was afraid for his life and that of his family. What did he do? He sent gifts ahead of him as he approached Esau to appease his brother’s anger. Finally he brought his family across the ford, while he stayed alone:

“And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.”Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel, saying, “For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered.” 

Gen 32:24-30

I want to share what parallels I find here in this account from Genesis and my own experiences and maybe it will bless you too.

First off, Jacob was alone. We need Christian fellowship, prayer and encouragement, but there are some places and times that we just need to enter into alone. The times of prayer and seeking God takes getting away alone. One of the blessings of this trial and recovery has been the time alone in my bed that I have available for prayer.

Then there was a mysterious man that Jacob was wrestling with all night. When the man saw that Jacob would not let go – that he wouldn’t give up – his last-ditch effort was to put his hip out of joint. It was a wound that would mark and define Jacob the rest of his life.Then the man said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” It was only because Jacob held on and would not let go that he would get the blessing. Yet, that wrestling would leave him with a mark that would forever remind him and define him. Wrestling with God will change us and mark us. It has for me.

It is also interesting to me that there was an appointed time for the wrestling: night! And with the dawn of day, the “man” would depart. The trial would end at a predetermined and God appointed time. But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” He clearly believes that there is a spiritual component going on. He did not just wrestle with an ordinary man – he asks for blessing.

And THAT, to me, is the whole point of the trial! The wrestling, the “asking, seeking, and knocking” on the Father’s door which brings us to our knees. There is a pattern throughout scripture that I see which is that these blessings come AFTER the trials, suffering, and wrestling of these great heroes of faith. Wrestling, suffering, and trials are going to be on the path to redemption and knowing God -if we continue to hold on!

 Then, dawn approaches. The man said to him (knowing full well the answer), “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel (which means “He has strived with God), for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” God reveals himself! That is a blessing! AND he has given him a new name, which is extremely significant in Jewish culture because it was believed that your name defines you. So, through this trial Jacob would become Israel, the Father of a nation! Another blessing.

Still…I think Jacob is a little cheeky as he asks God, “What is your name?” But God didn’t seem to mind or have a reason to answer that at this time, so he simply blessed him. And Jacob named the place Peniel, “For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered.” 

It is satisfying to me that God chose to leave some questions unanswered. Isn’t that always the case anyway? We may get some “answers”, but we may not. It is ultimately up to God, but it doesn’t change his nature and character of who he is.

Through this trial, Jacob saw God “face to face, and yet his life has been delivered,” This has been my experience! Praise God! I have grown closer to Jesus as I looked for him in scripture, prayer and readings. The week before we found out my good news, I feel like the Lord led me to a very good book on prayer by Charles Spurgeon: The Power of Prayer. Through it, I have been challenged and grown in faith in the power of prayer. It is just one tool, God used to build me up, stir my heart in faith in God, and teach me of his love and goodness. He did this all through his Holy Spirit at work in my life! Praise Jesus!

So…when I got the good news tht the medicine is working….my tear of relief were sweeter, my praise was deeper, and my faith has grown because the dawn has come!